I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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