I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize