Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
