How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize