she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize