Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Be still, my beating vagina.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize