Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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