Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
