Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
