I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
