Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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