i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
