but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
