please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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