I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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