thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
