why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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