Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We have started to decorate penises.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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