I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
