Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
