The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
