he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
