so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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