the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize