There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize