look no pants
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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