Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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