And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
