Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
