Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
