Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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