One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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