put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
