He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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