I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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