So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
