yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
