I just cut my nipple shaving
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
