Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Randomize
