The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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