my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
