I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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