I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
