You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
