Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
They have beer where we have blood.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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