your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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