did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize