battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i drank out of a bidet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize