I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
