And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just tell him i said nine months
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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