My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Randomize
