new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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