I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The uberlube is also flammable
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
