Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
