This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
